About Me

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I’m just a 19 year old girl meandering through existence, trying to achieve my dreams… Though I’m still a little fuzzy on what my dreams actually are. I want to learn and do many things, but I need to work on my motivation and determination, as they’re severely lacking. This blog is to help me keep track of what I need to do, my dreams, inadequacies, triumphs and to release my overall negativity.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Moribito and Rambling

I SO recommend this book series. There's like 10 books, I think. Moribito: Guardian of the Spirit. They're so good!


Why can't I just do what I'm supposed to? I don't know why it's so hard. Hard to go to school, hard to exercise, eat, study, go out. I just want to sit and stare at a wall. Maybe I'm still depressed, I don't know. I feel pathetic. All I hear everyday is nagging nagging that I need to change my outlook, stop negative, do this, do that. Yeah, ok but just listing many things I must do isn't going to make me do any of them. I just get overwhelmed. I'm one of those people either go all in to the extreme or do absolutely nothing, I can't find the middle ground.

My nutritionist said I need to take small steps. But, what to do first? Should I make a list?

Ok list.

1) Go to school everyday. It's 3 hours, it's not going to kill me and I can graduate quick.

Why is this so difficult? Maybe some part of me is scared to graduate, I don't know. Some screwed up notion that if I don't graduate things will remain the same and time won't go forward? Hahaha, stupid huh. Things are going to change even if I don't graduate, so I should just finish quick and graduate so I can at least have a good change. I need to stop being scared of change.

2) EXERCISE! This is my biggest problem. I usually end up startingextreme -like when I first started out I did two hours on the treadmill and could hardly walk for a few days after- and burning out quickly. I need to take baby steps. Wii dance/fitness games, 2 or 3 days a week at the gym water aerobics and I want to take up zumba, go to the zoo on the weekends.

3) Eating. I hate eating, always have. I skip meals a lot, and don't eat much. I should start using sparkpeople more. At least try to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

4) Sleep. I have insomnia, and when I try to sleep at night I get panic attacks, but staying up until like 4 or 5+ AM isn't healthy. I should start going to bed early... My nutritionist said I should try like, instead of going to bed at 4 or 5, go to bed at 3, then go to bed at 2, then 1, etc. I really can't go to bed before 11 since I have to help mom get ready for work, etc. But, if I go to bed as soon as she goes to work, then I can wake up at 7 or 8 AM.

5) Study. I suck at studying, completely horrible at it. I haven't truly studied a day in my life (I never had to at school, it's too easy, no point =.=) so I'm really at a loss when trying to learn these languages. I get overwhelmed again trying to do too much at once. Haha information overload X) I'll just focus on one thing at a time. Go through one book at a time, one video at a time. Don't try to do multiple things at once.

6) Save money. Yeaaaaaaaah... No more eating out all the time, no more waste on silly things. We don't need more crap. Eat at home, apply for foodstamps.

7) Cleaning. I need to do house cleaning at least once a week, and keep things organized. I also need to use my facial masks and face wash, these little bitty stress pimples are getting on my nerves! Just thankful they aren't huge ugly ones.

Alright... I think that's it. I can do this. I can be a normal person, who knows how to function properly. If I can't even do this stuff, I'm going to useless out in the real world. But, no. No worrying stressed about that stuff. I need to focus on today, right now. What do I need to do now?

Maybe I should make a daily schedule? hm...

Monday through Thursday:

8:00 - wake up

8:30 - take a shower

9:15 - have breakfast/take medicine

10:30 - exercise.

11:00 - study

12:00 > 17:00 - free time/lunch

17:30 - prepare for school

18:00 > 21:00 - school (1.5 hr chemistry, 1.5 hr spanish)

21:15 > 23:00 - free time/dinner/medicine

23:30 - bed.

I doubt I'll be able to sleep, and mom usually calls around midnight, so I guess I can just stay in bed and read some of my book or something until she calls, and then go to bed. For friday-sunday, I can pretty much do whatever and stay up later, since no school. Sounds doable.